How to Write a Eulogy That Actually Sounds Like Them

Start with the stories, not the timeline

It's tempting to open a eulogy the way an obituary reads: born here, worked there, survived by so-and-so. That information matters, but it rarely captures who someone was. Before you write a single sentence, make a list of specific stories — the ones you'd tell at the kitchen table, not the ones that belong on a résumé. A eulogy built from three or four real moments will almost always land harder than one built from a list of accomplishments.

Ask other people for their version

You knew this person from one angle. Everyone else in the room knew them from a different one. Call a few people who loved them and ask a simple question: "What's the first thing you think of when you think of them?" You'll often hear the same phrase, the same laugh, the same small habit come up more than once — that repetition is usually the truest thing you can put in the eulogy.

A structure that works almost every time

You don't need to reinvent the form. A simple structure carries most eulogies well:

• Who they were to you, in one or two sentences.
• Two or three specific stories — small is fine, funny is fine, ordinary is fine.
• What they believed in or cared about, shown through what they did rather than what they said.
• What you want people to carry with them when they leave.

Aim for five to eight minutes when read aloud. Longer than that, and even the most attentive room starts to drift.

Write it the way you'd say it

Read it out loud while you write it. If a sentence doesn't sound like something you'd actually say to a friend, rewrite it until it does. Eulogies that reach for formal, poetic language often end up sounding like they're about someone else. The plain version — "he burned the toast every single time and never once apologized for it" — usually says more than the polished one.

What to leave out

You don't have to cover everything. Leave out anything that isn't yours to tell, any story that would embarrass the family, and any detail you're including only because you feel obligated to. A eulogy isn't a full account of a life. It's a small, honest window into it.

If you're not ready to write it alone

Some families choose to pair a eulogy with something that can hold the parts words can't quite reach — a piece of music written from the same memories, played at the same service. That's part of why we started Their Life Song: to help families turn the stories they'd tell at the kitchen table into something that lasts beyond the day of the service.